What is the toughest sport you can participate in? And I don’t mean tough in the sense that it’s difficult to hit a 90mph curveball. I mean tough as in puking from exhaustion and shitting blood from injury. Here are just three nominations.

The first sport to come to mind is mixed martial arts fighting, best known as ultimate fighting. Mixed martial arts (MMA) combines disciplines like jiu-jitsu, judo, karate, boxing, wrestling, and others in a no holds barred fighting match. The sport started 80 years ago in Brazil, and it was known as Vale Tudo, or “anything goes”. In those fights, like the first modern ultimate fighting championships, there were no rules, no time limits, and the fights would often go on for hours. Even the first modern championships only had rules like no eye gouging, no biting, etc. There are still only a few rules, but now there are weight classes, time limits, and a limited number of rounds. The fact remains, it takes gigantic balls to get into an ultimate fighting ring.

I have to give the next nod to the ironman triathlon. This endurance test consists of a 2.4 mile ocean swim, a 112-mile bike race, and a 26.2 mile run. When a third of a race consists of a marathon run, it definitely qualifies as a puke inducing endurance test. Ironically, some of these top endurance athletes suffer from premature ejaculation, begging the question whether they can truly be said to have endurance.

Now let’s throw out something that’s a little outside the box: bull riding. Bull riding basically consists of riding a pissed-off 2000 pound bull with only one hand. Just bringing yourself to straddle a huge wild animal takes a lot of mental toughness. Just ask my girlfriend. But there’s a lot of physical toughness involved here too. The most common injury in bull riding is a concussion. Despite this, virtually all bull riders do not wear helmets, believing a helmet restricts peripheral vision. Why you would need peripheral vision when riding a bucking bull is a mystery to me, but then again I’ve never tried it. The next common injury is shoulder injuries, and after that, you guessed it, is groin injuries. Most groin injuries are probably groin pulls, but I imagine some involve the groin getting stomped by said pissed-off bull. Hopefully I’ll never know what it’s like to be that tough.

Ah, waterparks. Sliding down waterslides at high speeds with your bathing suit up your crack is the ultimate summer passtime. And on a hot and humid day, a dip in the hotel pool can be very refreshing. There’s just one small problem. Many people don’t wipe their ass very well. They also vomit and bleed. And kids are probably the worst. How many times have you seen a small child with diapers in a public pool? And if you think the chlorine is going to save you, think again.

Swimming is essentially communal bathing. The average rectum has about 0.14 grams of fecal bacteria on it even after a good cleaning. If someone decides a nice swim in the hotel pool will help with their diarrhea from the undercooked mussels, that bacteria will be stuck to their anus. And although chlorine will kill most common bacteria, not all microbes are created equal, and not all waterparks and pools are closely monitored. A pool’s chlorine should have at least 1 part of chlorine per million, and the PH should be about 7.5. Given that, chlorine will kill most disease causing microbes in under an hour, but that’s plenty of time to take a nice gulp of parasites after your next belly flop. It takes hepatitis A about 16 minutes to die, and it’ll take some parasites like Cryptosporidium parvum days to die. Scary.

Public and hotel hot tubs might be the worst place to sit if you want to avoid these parasites. High temperatures provide a breeding ground for bacteria and chlorine evaporates faster in high temperatures, rendering it less effective. Hot tub rash is a common skin infection caused by Pseudomonas aeruginosa. After a few days of contacting contaminated water, itchy skin develops which eventually turns into pus filled sores. It’ll clear up in a few days without any treatment but it doesn’t sound like fun. In many hot tubs, the piping doesn’t drain completely and can harbor bacteria and general scum. When the jets are turned on after resting a night, it shoots all that crap right into the water. These types of bacteria and fungi can cause urinary infections, skin infections, lung infections, and more. Nasty.

So what can you do? Other than never stepping foot in a water park, hot tub, or hotel pool again, there isn’t much you can do. You definitely shouldn’t be letting any water in your mouth at least. If your immune system is in good order, you’ll probably be able to fight off anything you come in contact with relatively easily, maybe after a few days of crapping your brains out. For the rest of us, take a shower before you go in public water and don’t go in if you’re sick with diarrhea. Same goes for the kids. And if you really like water parks but are really freaked out, maybe you should try a full body condom.

There is so much to learn about the glorious and wonderful world of farts. There are two ways we make farts. First, we swallow air throughout the day, and it travels through our digestive system like the food we eat. By the time this gas reaches our colon, most of the oxygen has been absorbed by our blood stream. Most other gases are usually absorbed into the blood through our intestines, too, and most of what’s left (and what escapes from our anus) is nitrogen. You’d think this kind of fart is on the odorless end of the fart spectrum, but you’d be wrong. They’re just as bad as food farts. Nitrogen-rich toots from swallowed air contain skatole and indole, which stink up a storm.

Farts are also made when food is not broken down completely as it passes through our stomach and small intestines. These food particles become food for the bacteria (intestinal fauna) that live in our large intestine. As the bacteria feast on these food particles, they produce gases such as methane, hydrogen and hydrogen sulfide. The gases produced by these two methods have one way of escape – through your anal sphincter. Food farts usually smell rancid from a high-concentration of hydrogen sulfide. The higher the sulfur content in the food you are eating, the worse the bomb will stink. Foods like broccoli, cauliflower, eggs, and meat fall into this category, and they’re the most likely to cause nose-hair burning SBDs.

The fart noise you get is from the vibration of your anus as the gas forces it’s way through the sphincter. The more gas and higher the force of the gas bubble making its escape, the louder the fart. Try pulling your ass cheeks apart on your next fart, and you’ll notice the rip is a lot quieter, if it even exists at all. If you’re going for the big bang, try beans. Your body has a hard time digesting all of the complex sugars in beans, and they can produce some huge gas bubbles. I know, that’s a real news flash.

On average, a person lets go about half a liter of gas per day, dispersed over about 14 farts. This is slightly more or less depending on the farter’s diet and ability to digest the food they eat. So what kind of diets produce the most farts? Soy is a well-known producer of potent farts, and soy protein is becoming increasingly more common in our everyday diet. So if you notice you’re farting a lot more lately, your after-workout soy-protein bar might the problem. Diets that are too high in carbs can increase the number of indigestible carbs that pass into the large intestine, feeding those smell-producing bacteria. Drinking milk or eating dairy products is also notorious for causing gas because humans were not designed to ingest the milk of another species, so we lack the enzymes to completely digest milk. Chewing gum or chewing with your mouth open causes you to swallow more air than you normally would, producing the nitrogen bombs.

Thankfully, there are some products that can help with our gas problems. Beano contains enzymes that help us digest foods that otherwise might not be completely digestible, preventing the amount of by-product gas generated by our intestinal fauna. Simethicone (Gas X) breaks up big, painful gas bubbles into littler ones, making an easier and quieter escape through your asshole. If you’re a frequent public farter, do us all a favor and buy yourself a Flat-D. You insert a charcoal filter pad into your underpants, and much like a Brita water filter, it traps the odor from your farts. With the charcoal underpants and a little ass cheek shifting, you can now fart undetected throughout your next Monday morning business meeting.

You can light your farts on fire, but if you really want to see it happen, watch someone else do it. Farts are flammable, and the flames can shoot right up your anus and burn your colon. You’ve been warned.

Ear wax is one of those bodily secretions, like snot, that we’d rather not have to deal with. Technically called cerumen, ear wax is produced by cerumen glands, found only inside the cartilaginous portion of the external auditory canal (ear canal). We have ear wax to keep foreign bodies like bacteria, dust, and even insects from entering too far into our ear canal and to protect our ear drum. I’ve heard a couple of stories of bugs flying into an ear, getting caught in ear wax, and needing the dead bug to be removed by a doctor. That’s probably more likely to happen to your dog, but apparently it does happen.
Some people over-produce ear wax, and some people produce very hard wax that impacts the ear. This can cause hearing loss, pain or pressure in the ear drum, or even a cough. No, not an ear cough…the ear canal shares many of the same nerves that give sensation to the throat, so ear wax can cause a “tickle” in the throat, inducing a cough. So if you start smoking again and someone gets pissed off about it, at least you can blame the cough on ear wax.

Excess wax can be itchy, unsightly, and smelly but we’ve all been told not to clean the inside of the ear or insert anything in your ear smaller than your elbow. Inserting anything into your ear can cause damage to hair cells just outside the ear drum which help carry sound. So if you use things like cotton swabs too hard, too often, or if you slip, you can puncture your ear drum. That means excruciating pain. And a cotton swab will remove some wax, but it will also push more wax inside. So it’s better to leave any wax inside the ear canal alone. Besides, ear wax can’t be so bad because some people make a candy out of it.

Another trend in the ear wax scene is ear candling. It’s a technique offered at many spas where a hollow wax structure is placed in a person’s ear. The top of this hollow candle is lit, filling the open space with smoke. The theory is that a vacuum is created when the hollow candle is lit, and when it is pulled out of the ear, it also pulls out ear wax. If this sounds stupid, you’re right. The technique doesn’t work, and you’d have to be a moron to light a candle so close to your hair. Hot wax can also drip from the top of the candle into your sensitive ear canal…leading to serious and painful burns in your ear canal. So keep the dripping hot wax on your nipples, where it belongs.

If your ear wax causes discomfort, ringing in the ears (tinnitus) or hearing problems, pay a visit to your doctor. Doctors can remove the wax by irrigation (squirts warm water into ear to soften wax) and curettage (scrapes out wax with a curette). The curette used is also called a cerumen spoon. It feels great once the procedure is over, but it’s pretty painful during the process, because the ear drum is super sensitive. You can try over the counter drops from the drugstore to soften the wax, but do not use this if you are unsure whether your ear drum is punctured or not. If you use drops with a punctured ear drum, the drops can go into your middle ear and cause infection. You can also use a couple drops of olive oil to soften the wax…and then you can sell your own ear wax candy.

How lucky a newborn baby is. An infant need not worry about burping, walking, or wiping its own backside And today’s infants are luckiest of all. More and more infants are being breastfed for at least a year, and it is not uncommon for a baby to be breastfed for 2, 3, or 4 years. So if you’re a newborn reading this, all I have to say is: You lucky bastard!

There is a heated debate going on about exactly how long a baby should be breast fed. Many in older generations discourage lengthy breast feeding. Bottle feeding was thought to be nutritionally superior (it isn’t), prestigious (it meant you could afford to bottle feed), and older folks seem to have more sexual hang-ups about breasts. Younger generations, especially those who practice attachment parenting, generally prefer to breastfeed their babies longer. Of course, there are extremists on both sides. Some believe a baby should not stop breast feeding until they’re dropped off at college, and there are those who think it’s gross that a 3 month old baby would still be breast feeding.

Let’s face it, we’re a boob obsessed culture. Many women are willing to stuff a big bag of saline water under their boob tissue. But let’s be fair. Human females are the only primates with permanently enlarged breasts. The theory is that when humans began walking upright, the breasts became one of the primary ways for a female to show fertility. Now don’t you feel sorry for gorillas? The point is that breasts are both a sexual object and means to deliver food to infants. It’s this dual role that’s causing a lot of friction. But luckily we’re human with the ability to reason.

So for starters, the World Health Organization (WHO) recommends breastfeeding an infant exclusively for six months to achieve optimal growth, development, and health. After six months, the WHO recommends that babies should continue to be breast feed, along with complimentary foods, until two years of age or beyond. It doesn’t set a strict age limit for when breastfeeding should stop because there isn’t one. Breast feeding has numerous health benefits for the mom and baby, so soms should always be given the benefit of the doubt as to when to stop breastfeeding. If someone thinks a Mom is breast feeding too long, that person should probably mind their own business. Above all, a little common sense can go a long way when making these decisions. If your child isn’t yet using complete sentences, breast feeding is still an option. If your child says in a deep voice, “I want titty for supper,” it might be time to wean.

Ah, the wonderful world of seafood. So tasty. So healthy. So smelly. It’s one of nature’s most perfect foods for humans. Fish contains high-quality protein and essential nutrients. It’s low in saturated fat and contains omega-3 fatty acids, an essential fat that is good for your heart and your brain. But like other gifts Mother Nature has bestowed upon us, we’ve decided to take a big shit on it.

I’m talking about mercury pollution that has infiltrated virtually all of the water on the planet to some level. Mercury gets into our water mainly from industrial smokestacks, and coal-fired power plants in particular. But hey, coal is cheap! This man-made mercury finds its way into our water where bacteria transform the inorganic mercury into an organic form called methylmercury. All fish absorb this mercury in varying rates, but because large fish eat small fish, mercury accumulates in large long-living predatory fish. The trick is to find the healthiest fish with the lowest mercury levels, and avoid the fish with the highest mercury levels.

Follow these three steps to limit your mercury exposure:

• Avoid Shark, Swordfish, King Mackerel, or Tilefish. These are all large long-living predatory fish with the highest mercury levels.
• Eat these fish that are low in mercury: wild salmon, shrimp, canned light tuna, pollock, and catfish. Avoid canned albacore as this tuna will have more mercury than the canned light tuna. Tuna steaks usually have higher levels of mercury too. For a more complete list of fish and their likely mercury levels, check out this FDA list.
• Unless you’re aware of local advisories regarding mercury levels in the fish in your area, it’s probably best to avoid the fish you catch in local lakes, rivers, and coastal areas.

Wild salmon is always as a good choice because it’s loaded with omega-3s, is relatively toxin-free, and you can grab them out of the pristine waters of Alaska and rip the skin off with your teeth. Or you could just let the fishing industry bring it to your neighborhood restaurant. Farmed salmon is actually more common and cheaper, but although farmed salmon usually doesn’t contain much mercury, they might contain PCBs (another industrial toxin), antibiotics, or other drugs farmers use to treat diseases in the farming pens.
Children and pregnant women should be vigilant about not eating mercury contaminated fish, as mercury can wreak havoc on developing brains. So if you’re five years old and reading this, put down that juicy swordfish! Chronic exposure can damage the brain and kidneys at any age, so everyone should be aware of how much mercury they might be eating. Personality changes, tremors, vision problems, poor muscle coordination, and memory loss are some of the possible effects of chronic mercury exposure. Why go through the trouble of getting all that mercury from swordfish and shark when you can drink a bottle of vodka and get the same effect right away?

Like eating chocolate? Like getting high? If your answer is yes to either, I have good news for you. If your answer is yes to both, I have really good news for you.

Studies show that chocolate contains cannabainoids, chemicals similar to the active ingredients in marijuana. And eating chocolate can have many significant health benefits. So now when you get high and eat that entire package of Double Stuff Oreos, you’ll be healthier and higher, right? Pretty much.

Chocolate contains very small quantities of anadamide, a cannabinoid. Although you’d have to eat a crapload to get high off just chocolate, if you’re already high, then those extra cannabinoids couldn’t hurt right? And if you’re high, how hard is it to eat a crapload of chocolate anyway?

Chocolate also increases the levels of several chemicals in your brain. These chemicals include phenylethylamine, which produces a mild confidence-boosting effect, counteracting the infamous marijuana paranoia; tryptophan, a chemical converted to serotonin which lifts the mood and increases euphoria; theobromine and caffeine, stimulants that lights a little fire under your ass, and theobromine has also been shown to suppress a cough. There’s the cure for your amotivational syndrome and bronchitis in one! So chocolate can make you a higher, more confident, more motivated, and healthier stoner. This is the best news to come by for weed lovers since the invention of the glass bong.

Even if you’re anti-weed, chocolate is still healthy. Chocolate contains a number of nutrients essential in an everyday diet, such as potassium, magnesium and vitamins B1, B2, D and E.

Chocolate might be good for the heart too. According to researchers at the University of California-Davis, chocolate contains phytochemicals called flavonoids which can help prevent arterial damage among other good things. Chocolate also contains arginine, which acts as a blood thinner and may improve blood flow to the heart, and….the genitals. So apparently chocolate can get you high and give you a raging boner. Now we’re talking.

The saturated fats found in chocolate don’t elevate cholesterol levels like those found in animal fat or partially hydrogenated oils, but hold off when reaching for the Double Stuffs. All benefits listed above are specifically attributed to the bitter seeds of the tropical cocoa tree. Chocolate is often processed with loads of unhealthy sugar and cream, so dark chocolate should be standard if you’re going for any of chocolate’s benefits. More specifically, look for 70% cocoa in your chocolate. Most commercial brands of chocolate in the US contain less than 30% cocoa, which won’t be enough to give you a buzz or a chubby.

We’ve all been on the subway when some random guy lifts up his arm and releases enough body odor to burn everyone’s nostril hairs. It’s really not that hard to prevent BO. If you’re homeless, ok, you have no shower so I can give you a pass on the BO. But for the rest of us with running water and the means to buy soap, how hard is it to wash your armpits everyday?

For many of us on the right side of cleanliness though, we can overdo it. For example, you might slather on antiperspirant after the shower, and then because it’s hot outside, you throw a couple more swipes on at lunch. Throw a little more on before a workout so the poor girl next to you on the treadmill doesn’t get sick. And so on.

Fragrances in antiperspirants and deodorants can be harsh and cause allergic reactions, such as red, itchy, bumpy armpits that are anything but attractive, especially if you’re a woman and don’t have a forest of hair to cover up. Sometimes the fragrances can have more severe side-effects, but only if you plan on breathing deeply in a closet over an uncapped roll-on in an attempt to discover the latest high using household products.

A little more concerning is the aluminum-based compounds found in many antiperspirants that block your pores from releasing sweat. Every time you spread an antiperspirant under your arm, you absorb aluminum throughout the day. Aluminum is a neurotoxin, and amounts of it in your blood can affect your brain, perhaps increasing the risk of Alzheimer’s. If there was a conclusive link between aluminum in antiperspirants and Alzheimer’s, the antiperspirants would be taken off the shelf faster than a cat can lick its ass, but it’s sketchy enough for me to choose deodorants that don’t contain aluminum. Besides, sweating is the body’s way of cooling itself off and getting rid of toxins that are built up on the skin. It’s not the sweating, but the BO we’re worried about. There’s also been some concern about parabens (preservatives used in deodorants and antiperspirants) that have been shown to mimic the activity of estrogen in the body’s cells. Estrogen promotes the growth of breast cancer cells. So some researchers have speculated that the use of these products cause an accumulation of parabens in breast tissue, which could lead to breast cancer.

But no one wants to be that guy who smells like a zoo. Especially if you’re looking to get laid sometime this century. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: wash yourself, including your armpits, everyday with soap and water. Just that step guarantees you won’t be offensive at least beyond a couple of feet. Next, if you’re skin isn’t too sensitive, wipe them a couple times with a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol before putting your shirt on. This will kill any bacteria and help prevent any smells from occurring in the first place. And preventing underarm smell is always better than just covering up by spraying cologne under your arms. If the washing/alcohol trick isn’t quite enough for you, opt for a deodorant that contains all-natural ingredients, such as Tom’s. And if you think you might be getting it on later in the night, go ahead, grab the trusted antiperspirant under the sink…using it once a year can’t be that bad right?

If you drink coffee in the morning, drink soda at lunch, eat dark colored foods, or smoke cigarettes when you’re drunk, you likely have something approaching Austin Power’s smile. Even if you don’t do those things and take care of your teeth, over time you’re likely to see significant yellowing. Whether you’re a man or woman, nothing knocks points off of your attractiveness rating like a mouth full of Neanderthal teeth. Maybe that’s why Americans spend more than $600 million a year on teeth whitening. So what works?

Your dentist can do an in-office whitening called chairside bleaching. After applying a protective layer of gel or a rubber shield to your gums, the dentist will then apply a bleaching agent to your teeth. She might use a special light or lasers to enhance the action of the agent. This takes about half hour to hour each visit, and can take more than one visit, depending on whether your teeth are just off white or Big Bird yellow. The cost can range anywhere from $600 to $2000. As a bonus, maybe you can convince your dentist to break out the nitrous tanks. For the money you’d be spending, it’s worth a shot.

For less money, you can ask your dentist to fit you with a custom mouthguard and prescribe you a gel with 10% carbamide peroxide that you wear overnight for a prescribed period of time. The ADA only puts their ADA Seal of Acceptance on these two dentist procedures. That’s because the bleaching agents in these products are stronger than over-the-counter (OTC) products, so they get your teeth whiter. If you’re teeth are that far off or you’re going for movie star white, the dentist is probably your best offer.

But if you just want to whiten your teeth up a little bit, OTC products are an option. They contain either hydrogen peroxide or carbamide peroxide, and the higher the concentration of the active ingredient, the better the results. As a gauge, 10% carbamide peroxide equals 3% hydrogen peroxide. These products range from mouth trays you fill with gel and wear for a couple hours (Rembrandt 2-Hour White) to gels you apply before bedtime (Colgate Simply White) to strips you attach to your teeth for half hour twice a day (Crest Whitestrips). You’ll have to find the product that works for you. Gels with trays might work the best, but they are a huge pain in the ass, and they may not make much of a difference in the end. In between whitenings, you can use whitening toothpastes that usually contain abrasives that don’t alter the color of your teeth, but can help to remove stains making teeth appear whiter and healthier.

You should only have to whiten your teeth once a year or so. If you really can’t resist that hot sweet smoke when you’re buzzed, maybe you’ll have to do it a little more. But don’t overdo the bleaching because you might end up with an unnatural look. No one wants yellow teeth, but they’re probably better than looking like you’re smiling with a mouthful of chicklets.

We are obsessed with health and fitness, even if most of us aren’t healthy or fit. Of course, companies are quick to sell us the latest fitness fad. Some of these products are just plain dumb, and some of us buy them anyway.

One of the biggest rip-offs I’ve seen is the Vitamin Water craze. I’ve seen people guzzle this stuff at the gym as if it were….water. But vitamin water isn’t water, and it’s definitely not cheap. Vitamin water contains water, sugar, and varying amounts of vitamins and herbs. First, if you add sugar to water, it’s no longer water. It’s now a soft drink. Sugar and water equals more empty calories. Second, vitamin water usually doesn’t deliver all of the vitamins you need, and you’re probably not even getting a day’s worth of the vitamins that are actually in the bottle. Vitamin waters aren’t likely to have oil-soluble vitamins, such as vitamin E, and it’s unknown whether any of the vitamins remain stable during the bottle’s shelf life. Some vitamins, like vitamin C, break down quickly after being exposed to air, so you better chug the entire bottle as soon as you open it. Finally, vitamin water costs about $2.00 at the store, but let’s say you find a place that sells it for $1.50. Compare that to $.05 for one multivitamin and say another $.05 for a large bottle of filtered tap water. You can get a more complete vitamin, without the sugar and additives, for way cheaper. I know it’s tasty and convenient, but so are hot dogs. If you eat hot dogs every day, you’re a fat bastard, and if you drink vitamin water everyday, you’re pissing money away.

And how about Sylvester Stallone’s High Protein Pudding? That’s right, Rocky himself is offering you 20g of protein per serving, with no sugar and hardly any fat. Just like Mom used to make. Yo Adrian, get me some of that delicious high protein pudding! Don’t laugh too much though, Stallone says the pudding will last up to 18 months at room temperature, so if a disaster hits and Stallone has a warehouse of pudding, who’s going to be laughing then?

This wouldn’t be complete without giving an award for the best “I want to be lazy and fit” product. If you went to any doctor and asked what you should do to breathe easier and strengthen your lungs, they’d probably tell you to run, swim, or do some other exercise that’s not as fun as watching the Real World or playing video games. But say if you could watch T.V. and get fit without getting off the couch? Enter the POWERbreath. All you need to do is breathe into the handheld device for 30 breaths, twice a day, and you’ll have Lance Armstrong’s lung capacity in no time.