People who are exercising deserve a certain amount of respect. They’re making themselves healthier and happier - and you could argue that those among us who exercise, benefit society as a whole by reducing potential health care costs. But like every situation, the way people participate in an activity can be seriously annoying. Now I know that veryone has their own pet peeves when it comes to what they find annoying, but here are some personal favorites, and some food for thought regarding annoying exercising habits.

• Running in place when waiting to cross the street. This one gets to me more than any other annoying exercise habit. These people are already making most of us look bad by running down a busy street, and now they’re saying, “you people are just standing there waiting to cross the street?” And I don’t want to hear about trying to keep the heart rate up. You’ve run 5 of 10 miles, you’re at a stop light, take a freaking break. Besides, interval training has been shown to be a great way to boost aerobic capacity and break an exercise plateau. So next time you’re out running and have to wait to cross the street, walk a little, take a breath, and when the walk light comes on, go for it.
• Loud noises at the gym. No, I don’t mean bodily noises, I’m talking about the big grunts of the weightlifters. You know who you are. If you’re bench pressing 300 pounds, then good for you, but do you have to scream when you’re doing it? I guess these people didn’t get enough attention as children. Now I know certain lifting exercises are very strenuous, and deep breaths and honest grunts are ok. Just don’t scream when you’re lifting to make sure everyone knows you’re benching a small Volkswagen.
• Not wiping machines or benches down. This one is just common courtesy. If you use a piece of exercise equipment, no matter how unsweaty you think you are, please use the spray and clean the equipment. I’ve seen people get up off a bench, not wipe it down, and leave a big sweat stain on the bench where their head was. Nasty. I go to the gym to exercise, not swap head sweat with someone I don’t know. Even if it’s just an elliptical machine and you’ve only touched the handles and screen, a wipe down can never hurt.
• Staring. I’m not a female, but I can’t imagine how annoying getting stared at must be for the fairer race. I admit I can be guilty of an inadvertent stare, but at least I try to be as discreet as possible. I’ve seen some guys be downright stalker like at the gym, and that’s not cool. Everyone is at the gym to work out, not get stared at. And this doesn’t just happen with lusty stares. Plenty of people watch each other at the gym to size others up….how much is that guy lifting, is that girl in better shape than me, etc. Yes I’m doing bicep curls with 2.5 pound weights, mind your own business.

So this is my short list of exercise pet peeves. What are some of yours?

You’re irritable. You can’t sleep. What’s worse, your ass is always itchy. Well, pinworms could be living in your ass and they’re a nasty looking bunch of bastards.

Hey, at least you’re not alone. It is estimated that there are more than 40 million cases of pinworms in the United States each year.

Once you get past the fact that you have a really nasty infection, you can probably have some good fun with these pinworms. Let me explain. Pinworms are very infectious. They are usually transmitted when someone accidentally swallows pinworm eggs from contaminated surfaces or fingers. The eggs will then hatch in the small intestines and the pinworms will make a nice little life for themselves until you decide to evict them with some medical help. These pinworms are easily treated by going to your doctor and taking a single pill of Albendazole. So where does the fun come in?

If you don’t embarrass easily, you could probably give your friends a really cool light show. When bright light is flashed on pinworms, they literally glow. This is why if your doctor suspects you have pinworm, the doctor will shine a light on your ass area and look for glowing worms. But why let the doctor have all the fun? Get your friends together for an all night rave, but instead of showing off with your special glowsticks dance, pull your pants down and put your ass up to a blacklight. When your friends see neon worms crawling on your ass, you are going to be the life of the party!

With a pinworm infection, you also have a great chance for a covert revenge operation. First, you’ll want to make sure your nails aren’t too clean cut, as pinworm eggs are typically spread underneath the fingernail. So get your nails relatively long, and go to town scratching your ass. You’ll want to do this at night when the female pinworms leave your ass to deposit their eggs on the perennial skin (the skin surrounding the deepest, darkest area of your backside). Besides, as you’ve already discovered if you’re infected, this when your ass is at its itchiest. Who knew worms laying eggs on your ass would be so uncomfortable? So get those worm eggs underneath your fingernails, and before washing your hands, find your worst enemy. Because shaking hands with an infected person is a common mode of transmitting a pinworm infection, offer your enemy a truce with a firm handshake. Just to be safe, give ‘em the old double hand shake, where you grip with your right hand and then cover their hand with your other hand. And if you really want to make sure you get them, try to get in their home or office, and then touch everything. Pinworm eggs can survive up to 2 weeks on clothing, bedding, or other objects, so they’ll be sure to pick up those eggs somewhere along the way. The best part is, symptoms of pinworm can be mild or even non-existent. So you may have just given your enemy a lifelong pinworm infection. Feels good doesn’t it?

When all the fun of your pinworms die down, or you’re just too damn tired of that ass itch, get those pinworms cured by a doctor. Then make sure you wash your hands, clean your sheets, and change your underwear every day. And the next time your enemy gives you a firm handshake, soak your hands in rubbing alcohol.

There are few more uncomfortable feelings than having to defecate, and there are few better feelings than the relief that comes with dropping the kids off at the pool. I suppose that’s why it’s called “relieving” yourself. Taking this positive feeling of being “clean” after going to the bathroom to the next level with colonic irrigation. Some alternative health practitioners promote colonic irrigation, or colon hydroptherapy, as an untapped source of well-being in the modern world.

Colonic irrigation is a process where a disposable plastic tube is put up your butt and warm water is shot up into your colon. A colon hydrotherapist uses a gentle massage technique to help loosen stubborn fecal matter, and after several seconds or a few minutes, the water and crap drains from your colon out of a second tube. Sometimes to add a little holistic twist, herbs or coffee are added to the water during a colonic. A single session lasts 30-45 minutes, depending upon how much poop you have stored up. The process is usually repeated several times in one session, and most colon hydrotherapists insist that it takes several visits to undo a lifetime of impacted bowels. It costs about an average of $150 or more per session to have colon hydrotherapy, so if it’s the route you choose, be prepared to pay. Or you could go the cheap route and buy a kit online to do the procedure yourself.

Enemas and extensive cleansing of the colon date back to ancient Egyptian times. It was once believed that disease started in the colon, and that if food particles or fecal matter remained stagnant in the colon, it would rot and cause disease. Proponents of colonic irrigation claim that a certain amount of the food we eat does not pass through our anus as waste, but rather sits in our colon and leads to disease or improper digestion or constipation.

The reality is, colonic irrigations are most likely unnecessary. The lining of the colon is shed and regenerated each day, so it’s not possible for food to get caught there. Some people go all the time, more than once a day. Other people might go a few days without ever having to sit on a toilet but are still perfectly healthy. Sometimes constipation does cause a problem, but it’s much more healthfully (and comfortably) solved if you improve your diet, such as by adding more fiber and liquids. Whenever someone offers you the one-stop cure-all for your health problems, you should probably run out the door. The conversation should go like this: “Do you feel tired when you wake up for work in the morning?” “Yes.” “Then you need a colonic irrigation!” “Bye!”

There are also several risks associated with colonic irrigation. You don’t need to be a doctor to perform the procedure, so the training any hydrotherapist gets is unlikely to be regulated. If the tubing, water, or any other equipment isn’t sterile, it could cause serious infection or disease. If the hydrotherapist isn’t properly trained, you could be injured in the process, and no one wants their ass torn wide open. Even if the tube is inserted correctly, it can cause pain or cramping. After all, your intestine and colon were designed to push things out, not to be filled with incoming water. There is also a risk of bowel perforation, where a hole is punctured in the colon or large intestine. That can be a life threatening injury. The procedure will also kill off beneficial intestinal flora that are in your colon, so after each colonic irrigation treatment, you have to take acidophilus to reinstate this balance. The more you irrigate, the more intestinal flora you kill and the longer you leave your insides unprotected. It can take up to two weeks, maybe even longer, to restore this balance by taking acidophilus every day. Your call, but I’d keep the tube out of my ass to begin with. Most doctors recommend the same thing.

We’ve all heard how important condoms are. The reasons are no joke. Condoms are extremely effective in preventing AIDS, other STDs, and unwanted pregnancies when used correctly all the time. More than 13 million Americans get STDs each year, but the number might be much higher because people can be walking around w/ STDs and have no symptoms. No symptoms means no testing, and that person might have no idea they’re infected. That means if you engage in unprotected sex with that person, you’re likely to get infected. Some STDs such as gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and syphilis, are curable if detected early and treated. Other common STDs are with you for life, such as genital herpes, hepatitis B and HIV/AIDS.

Maybe you knew all that already. But do you know how many types of condoms there are? There are hundreds of kinds of condoms, and some are more fun than others. Since you have to use one every time you have sex, experiment to see what you like:

Lamb Skin, such as Trojan Naturalamb Condoms – Yes their name is literal… these are really made out of lambskin. If you’re still considering trying them, there is an important caveat. Because they are made of animal skin and are naturally porous, these condoms are not for preventing STDs. Sperm will be contained, but tiny viruses like AIDS are sneaky enough to get through. However, if you’re in a monogamous relationship, these are a favorite of many. They’re supposed to have a more natural feeling and transmit heat. However, these condoms don’t stretch to fit like latex, so it is more like a one-size-fits-some. Even if it does fit, it bunches easily…which can be pretty uncomfortable for both partners. And because they’re not snug all around, they’re more likely than latex to slip off, so be careful.

Polyurethane condoms such as Durex Avanti Polyurethane Condoms – These have no latex odor, so every time you open them you’re not reminded of the balloon animals at your eighth birthday party, which can really kill the mood. They are able to transmit body heat so some say they feel more natural. They don’t fit as snugly as latex because they are not as elastic. For some, that less-snug fit is just a reminder that you are wearing a condom, because you can feel it as it moves. Most studies say polyurethane is just as effective at preventing STDs and unwanted pregnancies as latex when used correctly, so you’re good there. If you’re allergic to latex and don’t like lamb skin, this is really the only other viable alternative if you want to get off…other than the palm of your hand, of course.

Latex condoms - Most condoms are made out of latex and are responsible for many styles and varieties you see in stores. Latex condoms are also the most studied for prevention of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. They come in a few different sizes, but the reality is, because of their stretchy nature, they are pretty much one-size-fits-all. Here are a few varieties of the latex condom:

• Magnums. Don’t buy magnum unless you’re hung like king kong. It may look cool when you’re buying them in the store, but you’ll look like an idiot when your condom is sagging off. Ditto for when the condom rolls off as you’re working your magic.
• Elexa by Trojan Ultra Sensitive – a personal favorite and my highest recommendation. Ultra-thin, no balloon latex odor and both parties don’t know it’s there…sort of. Other latex condoms, such as Trojan Ultra Thin or Kimono MicroThins follow the same “ultra thin” concept to increase the sensation (although only the Elexa brand has no odor).
• Flavored condoms – These are good because STDs can be transmitted through oral sex, too. Durex comes in an array of flavors from chocolate to coconut. The funniest I’ve seen are the Trojan Mint Tingle – the website self-proclaims these condoms the “first food-grade flavored condom on the market.” I can’t say I’ve tasted any of these, but it seems you can be a lot more creative and using tasty items in your fridge.
• If you’re one of those rapid fire guys, go for a condom w/ a numbing cream. Put more eloquently (and less like a blatant stab at your manhood), enter the Trojan Extended Pleasure. These condoms take some of the sensation away from your penis so you don’t blow your load as soon as you begin. Yes this takes all the fun away from you…but you’re a giver, right?
• For those who want the burning sensation of gonorrhea without having to go through a round of antibiotics, go for warming condoms. Contempo Rough Rider Hot Passion Condoms offer a warming sensation that is supposed to simulate the warmth of your partner. This is like eating soy cheese to me…if you can’t have the real thing, just forget it and move on, because the substitute is no good.
• Lifestyles 4Play Vibe Condoms or Trojan Elexa Vibrating Ring Condoms You can get condoms ribbed or studded for “her pleasure”, and they even have new condoms with a vibrating ring at the base. I never knew I’d see the day I’d find a vibrating c*ck ring in my local drugstore.
• Glow in the dark – in case you have trouble finding your penis in the dark. Sales of these condoms are said to spike in the month of October.

Who knew the world of condoms was so diverse. So in the active hipster spirit, have fun and be healthy!

If a doctor writes you a prescription an antibiotic and your first thought is “Damn, now I can’t drink for ten days,” then you may have a drinking problem. Look into that. But is it true that you’re not supposed to drink alcohol while taking antibiotics?

In general, the urban myth that alcohol negates the effects of antibiotics is untrue. So the next time green pus oozes from your genitals, don’t hesitate going to the doctor for fear that you won’t be able to drink if you have to go on antibiotics again. The myth about alcohol and antibiotics began when STD clinics (then VD clinics) in the 50s and 60s would tell their patients not to mix alcohol with the antibiotics they were given for their STDs. This advice was given for moral and practical reasons, not chemical ones. The doctors at these STD clinics were worried that their patients might drink alcohol and loose the inhibition and good sense to not have sex with another person before their infection was cured. Considering everyone has that story of how they got hammered and hooked up with a 200-pound transvestite (everyone does have that story right?), the doctors probably had the right idea.

Anyway, there are a few antibiotics that really will cause you problems if you mix them with alcohol. Tinidazole (Fasigyn) and metronidazole (Flagyl) are two of the more common antibiotics that shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol. These antibiotics can potentially cause nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, headaches, fast heart rate and flushing. Alcohol can also reduce the absorption of other antibiotics such as the doxycyclines and tetracyclines. These potential interactions should be well known to doctors and pharmacists, and warnings should appear on the prescription bottle or in the directions if the antibiotic you’re taking has one of these potential interactions.

Doctors will always tell you it’s unwise to mix any medication with alcohol, and for the most part they’re right. Alcohol can put a strain on your body and deplete energy vital to your recovery, so it’s not a good idea to do any body shots if there’s a reason to be on antibiotics.

Think of the dirtiest, most germ-infested item in your house. You might think it’s the toilet bowl, the trash, or your three-day-old underwear. But did you think of your kitchen sponge? That moist little item is the perfect apartment building for an astounding number of germs. If replaced frequently enough and used properly, then a sponge is your friend. If misused, your friend could become your worst enemy. So how do you misuse a sponge? Well, the most common problem comes from over-extension of the sponge. It’s common for a household to own one kitchen sponge that works triple duty. Task #1 is to clean the dishes with some Palmolive. Task #2 might be to clean the dirty countertops with some 409, and then task #3 is to clean the kitchen table after dinner. Here are the cardinal rules of sponge use

• Each task should have its own sponge or towel. You don’t want to be using the same sponge to clean the raw chicken juice off the counter tops with the sponge you use to clean the dishes you’ll eat off of. A queer eye might tell you to color code. Pink is always for the dishes, green is always for the counters, and so on.
• Let your sponges dry out between uses. Most bacteria can’t survive when completely dry.
• Remove all organic particles and rinse the sponge well before letting it dry. The only thing germs love more than moist dark pores to reproduce in is old food left there for them to feast on.
• The most important rule is to replace your sponges frequently. Optimally you want to do this once a week. Make absolutely sure you don’t go more than two weeks for your dish sponge. A 99 cent sponge definitely beats using $5 worth of immodium after a major bout of diarrhea from salmonella in your kitchen sponge.
• Disinfect your sponges. You can do this by throwing them in the dishwasher and drying with high heat. You can also toss a dry sponge in the microwave for 30 seconds, or a moist sponge for a minute. This will kill about 97% of the germs, so it isn’t a complete solution, but it is a good quick fix.
• Don’t put your sponge in bleach to disinfect it. This could kill you.

Most experts agree that paper towels should be used when cleaning up after preparing raw meat, poultry, fish or the like. Then throw the paper towels away and hopefully you can save your immodium for another day.

All the health news today tells you what you’re doing wrong and what you should be doing right. Hey, that’s what we do. But sometimes you just want to eat deep fried ice cream and not hear how it’ll kill you before midnight. But what if you were doing something that you enjoyed, not thinking about health, and you found out it was actually good for you? Well, it’s not deep fried ice cream…that’ll kill you well before midnight.

It’s your morning coffee. The only thing you look forward to on weekdays is actually a healthy drink. Coffee now ranks as America’s #1 source of antioxidants. While that may be a reflection on too little fruits and vegetables in our diet, antioxidants from coffee are still a good thing. Antioxidants neutralize free radicals, which damage our cells and lend their hand in aging and disease. Free radicals are by-products of our normal body processes, and we also pick them up from outside sources like pollution. Antioxidants mop up free radicals before they do their damage. Although antioxidants can’t get all the free radicals, the more antioxidants you eat and drink the better. There’s a good amount of antioxidants in coffee, and coffee’s antioxidants seem to be readily absorbed the body.

One of coffee’s antioxidants is chlorogenic acid, which has also shown to slow the absorption of sugar into the body. This action of chlorogenic acid may explain why coffee reduces the risk of developing type-2 diabetes. Although both decaf and regular coffee reduced the risk, the effect was greater in regular coffee. Coffee has also been shown to make people exercise longer. As has been rammed down our throats for a while now, exercise is hugely important for your health. Even Harvard is telling us that moderate coffee consumption is healthy. They claim that coffee may reduce the risk of developing gallstones, discourage the development of colon cancer, improve cognitive function, reduce the risk of liver damage in people at high risk for liver disease, and reduce the risk of Parkinson’s disease. With coffee being so good for us, do we even need to exercise? No one answer that.

At least we all know of one thing we’re doing right, and we did it before we were told to. So what if you can’t sleep and spend $30 a day at Starbucks? It’s all for your health.

What is the toughest sport you can participate in? And I don’t mean tough in the sense that it’s difficult to hit a 90mph curveball. I mean tough as in puking from exhaustion and shitting blood from injury. Here are just three nominations.

The first sport to come to mind is mixed martial arts fighting, best known as ultimate fighting. Mixed martial arts (MMA) combines disciplines like jiu-jitsu, judo, karate, boxing, wrestling, and others in a no holds barred fighting match. The sport started 80 years ago in Brazil, and it was known as Vale Tudo, or “anything goes”. In those fights, like the first modern ultimate fighting championships, there were no rules, no time limits, and the fights would often go on for hours. Even the first modern championships only had rules like no eye gouging, no biting, etc. There are still only a few rules, but now there are weight classes, time limits, and a limited number of rounds. The fact remains, it takes gigantic balls to get into an ultimate fighting ring.

I have to give the next nod to the ironman triathlon. This endurance test consists of a 2.4 mile ocean swim, a 112-mile bike race, and a 26.2 mile run. When a third of a race consists of a marathon run, it definitely qualifies as a puke inducing endurance test. Ironically, some of these top endurance athletes suffer from premature ejaculation, begging the question whether they can truly be said to have endurance.

Now let’s throw out something that’s a little outside the box: bull riding. Bull riding basically consists of riding a pissed-off 2000 pound bull with only one hand. Just bringing yourself to straddle a huge wild animal takes a lot of mental toughness. Just ask my girlfriend. But there’s a lot of physical toughness involved here too. The most common injury in bull riding is a concussion. Despite this, virtually all bull riders do not wear helmets, believing a helmet restricts peripheral vision. Why you would need peripheral vision when riding a bucking bull is a mystery to me, but then again I’ve never tried it. The next common injury is shoulder injuries, and after that, you guessed it, is groin injuries. Most groin injuries are probably groin pulls, but I imagine some involve the groin getting stomped by said pissed-off bull. Hopefully I’ll never know what it’s like to be that tough.

Ah, waterparks. Sliding down waterslides at high speeds with your bathing suit up your crack is the ultimate summer passtime. And on a hot and humid day, a dip in the hotel pool can be very refreshing. There’s just one small problem. Many people don’t wipe their ass very well. They also vomit and bleed. And kids are probably the worst. How many times have you seen a small child with diapers in a public pool? And if you think the chlorine is going to save you, think again.

Swimming is essentially communal bathing. The average rectum has about 0.14 grams of fecal bacteria on it even after a good cleaning. If someone decides a nice swim in the hotel pool will help with their diarrhea from the undercooked mussels, that bacteria will be stuck to their anus. And although chlorine will kill most common bacteria, not all microbes are created equal, and not all waterparks and pools are closely monitored. A pool’s chlorine should have at least 1 part of chlorine per million, and the PH should be about 7.5. Given that, chlorine will kill most disease causing microbes in under an hour, but that’s plenty of time to take a nice gulp of parasites after your next belly flop. It takes hepatitis A about 16 minutes to die, and it’ll take some parasites like Cryptosporidium parvum days to die. Scary.

Public and hotel hot tubs might be the worst place to sit if you want to avoid these parasites. High temperatures provide a breeding ground for bacteria and chlorine evaporates faster in high temperatures, rendering it less effective. Hot tub rash is a common skin infection caused by Pseudomonas aeruginosa. After a few days of contacting contaminated water, itchy skin develops which eventually turns into pus filled sores. It’ll clear up in a few days without any treatment but it doesn’t sound like fun. In many hot tubs, the piping doesn’t drain completely and can harbor bacteria and general scum. When the jets are turned on after resting a night, it shoots all that crap right into the water. These types of bacteria and fungi can cause urinary infections, skin infections, lung infections, and more. Nasty.

So what can you do? Other than never stepping foot in a water park, hot tub, or hotel pool again, there isn’t much you can do. You definitely shouldn’t be letting any water in your mouth at least. If your immune system is in good order, you’ll probably be able to fight off anything you come in contact with relatively easily, maybe after a few days of crapping your brains out. For the rest of us, take a shower before you go in public water and don’t go in if you’re sick with diarrhea. Same goes for the kids. And if you really like water parks but are really freaked out, maybe you should try a full body condom.

There is so much to learn about the glorious and wonderful world of farts. There are two ways we make farts. First, we swallow air throughout the day, and it travels through our digestive system like the food we eat. By the time this gas reaches our colon, most of the oxygen has been absorbed by our blood stream. Most other gases are usually absorbed into the blood through our intestines, too, and most of what’s left (and what escapes from our anus) is nitrogen. You’d think this kind of fart is on the odorless end of the fart spectrum, but you’d be wrong. They’re just as bad as food farts. Nitrogen-rich toots from swallowed air contain skatole and indole, which stink up a storm.

Farts are also made when food is not broken down completely as it passes through our stomach and small intestines. These food particles become food for the bacteria (intestinal fauna) that live in our large intestine. As the bacteria feast on these food particles, they produce gases such as methane, hydrogen and hydrogen sulfide. The gases produced by these two methods have one way of escape – through your anal sphincter. Food farts usually smell rancid from a high-concentration of hydrogen sulfide. The higher the sulfur content in the food you are eating, the worse the bomb will stink. Foods like broccoli, cauliflower, eggs, and meat fall into this category, and they’re the most likely to cause nose-hair burning SBDs.

The fart noise you get is from the vibration of your anus as the gas forces it’s way through the sphincter. The more gas and higher the force of the gas bubble making its escape, the louder the fart. Try pulling your ass cheeks apart on your next fart, and you’ll notice the rip is a lot quieter, if it even exists at all. If you’re going for the big bang, try beans. Your body has a hard time digesting all of the complex sugars in beans, and they can produce some huge gas bubbles. I know, that’s a real news flash.

On average, a person lets go about half a liter of gas per day, dispersed over about 14 farts. This is slightly more or less depending on the farter’s diet and ability to digest the food they eat. So what kind of diets produce the most farts? Soy is a well-known producer of potent farts, and soy protein is becoming increasingly more common in our everyday diet. So if you notice you’re farting a lot more lately, your after-workout soy-protein bar might the problem. Diets that are too high in carbs can increase the number of indigestible carbs that pass into the large intestine, feeding those smell-producing bacteria. Drinking milk or eating dairy products is also notorious for causing gas because humans were not designed to ingest the milk of another species, so we lack the enzymes to completely digest milk. Chewing gum or chewing with your mouth open causes you to swallow more air than you normally would, producing the nitrogen bombs.

Thankfully, there are some products that can help with our gas problems. Beano contains enzymes that help us digest foods that otherwise might not be completely digestible, preventing the amount of by-product gas generated by our intestinal fauna. Simethicone (Gas X) breaks up big, painful gas bubbles into littler ones, making an easier and quieter escape through your asshole. If you’re a frequent public farter, do us all a favor and buy yourself a Flat-D. You insert a charcoal filter pad into your underpants, and much like a Brita water filter, it traps the odor from your farts. With the charcoal underpants and a little ass cheek shifting, you can now fart undetected throughout your next Monday morning business meeting.

You can light your farts on fire, but if you really want to see it happen, watch someone else do it. Farts are flammable, and the flames can shoot right up your anus and burn your colon. You’ve been warned.