Ear wax is one of those bodily secretions, like snot, that we’d rather not have to deal with. Technically called cerumen, ear wax is produced by cerumen glands, found only inside the cartilaginous portion of the external auditory canal (ear canal). We have ear wax to keep foreign bodies like bacteria, dust, and even insects from entering too far into our ear canal and to protect our ear drum. I’ve heard a couple of stories of bugs flying into an ear, getting caught in ear wax, and needing the dead bug to be removed by a doctor. That’s probably more likely to happen to your dog, but apparently it does happen.
Some people over-produce ear wax, and some people produce very hard wax that impacts the ear. This can cause hearing loss, pain or pressure in the ear drum, or even a cough. No, not an ear cough…the ear canal shares many of the same nerves that give sensation to the throat, so ear wax can cause a “tickle” in the throat, inducing a cough. So if you start smoking again and someone gets pissed off about it, at least you can blame the cough on ear wax.

Excess wax can be itchy, unsightly, and smelly but we’ve all been told not to clean the inside of the ear or insert anything in your ear smaller than your elbow. Inserting anything into your ear can cause damage to hair cells just outside the ear drum which help carry sound. So if you use things like cotton swabs too hard, too often, or if you slip, you can puncture your ear drum. That means excruciating pain. And a cotton swab will remove some wax, but it will also push more wax inside. So it’s better to leave any wax inside the ear canal alone. Besides, ear wax can’t be so bad because some people make a candy out of it.

Another trend in the ear wax scene is ear candling. It’s a technique offered at many spas where a hollow wax structure is placed in a person’s ear. The top of this hollow candle is lit, filling the open space with smoke. The theory is that a vacuum is created when the hollow candle is lit, and when it is pulled out of the ear, it also pulls out ear wax. If this sounds stupid, you’re right. The technique doesn’t work, and you’d have to be a moron to light a candle so close to your hair. Hot wax can also drip from the top of the candle into your sensitive ear canal…leading to serious and painful burns in your ear canal. So keep the dripping hot wax on your nipples, where it belongs.

If your ear wax causes discomfort, ringing in the ears (tinnitus) or hearing problems, pay a visit to your doctor. Doctors can remove the wax by irrigation (squirts warm water into ear to soften wax) and curettage (scrapes out wax with a curette). The curette used is also called a cerumen spoon. It feels great once the procedure is over, but it’s pretty painful during the process, because the ear drum is super sensitive. You can try over the counter drops from the drugstore to soften the wax, but do not use this if you are unsure whether your ear drum is punctured or not. If you use drops with a punctured ear drum, the drops can go into your middle ear and cause infection. You can also use a couple drops of olive oil to soften the wax…and then you can sell your own ear wax candy.

How lucky a newborn baby is. An infant need not worry about burping, walking, or wiping its own backside And today’s infants are luckiest of all. More and more infants are being breastfed for at least a year, and it is not uncommon for a baby to be breastfed for 2, 3, or 4 years. So if you’re a newborn reading this, all I have to say is: You lucky bastard!

There is a heated debate going on about exactly how long a baby should be breast fed. Many in older generations discourage lengthy breast feeding. Bottle feeding was thought to be nutritionally superior (it isn’t), prestigious (it meant you could afford to bottle feed), and older folks seem to have more sexual hang-ups about breasts. Younger generations, especially those who practice attachment parenting, generally prefer to breastfeed their babies longer. Of course, there are extremists on both sides. Some believe a baby should not stop breast feeding until they’re dropped off at college, and there are those who think it’s gross that a 3 month old baby would still be breast feeding.

Let’s face it, we’re a boob obsessed culture. Many women are willing to stuff a big bag of saline water under their boob tissue. But let’s be fair. Human females are the only primates with permanently enlarged breasts. The theory is that when humans began walking upright, the breasts became one of the primary ways for a female to show fertility. Now don’t you feel sorry for gorillas? The point is that breasts are both a sexual object and means to deliver food to infants. It’s this dual role that’s causing a lot of friction. But luckily we’re human with the ability to reason.

So for starters, the World Health Organization (WHO) recommends breastfeeding an infant exclusively for six months to achieve optimal growth, development, and health. After six months, the WHO recommends that babies should continue to be breast feed, along with complimentary foods, until two years of age or beyond. It doesn’t set a strict age limit for when breastfeeding should stop because there isn’t one. Breast feeding has numerous health benefits for the mom and baby, so soms should always be given the benefit of the doubt as to when to stop breastfeeding. If someone thinks a Mom is breast feeding too long, that person should probably mind their own business. Above all, a little common sense can go a long way when making these decisions. If your child isn’t yet using complete sentences, breast feeding is still an option. If your child says in a deep voice, “I want titty for supper,” it might be time to wean.

Ah, the wonderful world of seafood. So tasty. So healthy. So smelly. It’s one of nature’s most perfect foods for humans. Fish contains high-quality protein and essential nutrients. It’s low in saturated fat and contains omega-3 fatty acids, an essential fat that is good for your heart and your brain. But like other gifts Mother Nature has bestowed upon us, we’ve decided to take a big shit on it.

I’m talking about mercury pollution that has infiltrated virtually all of the water on the planet to some level. Mercury gets into our water mainly from industrial smokestacks, and coal-fired power plants in particular. But hey, coal is cheap! This man-made mercury finds its way into our water where bacteria transform the inorganic mercury into an organic form called methylmercury. All fish absorb this mercury in varying rates, but because large fish eat small fish, mercury accumulates in large long-living predatory fish. The trick is to find the healthiest fish with the lowest mercury levels, and avoid the fish with the highest mercury levels.

Follow these three steps to limit your mercury exposure:

• Avoid Shark, Swordfish, King Mackerel, or Tilefish. These are all large long-living predatory fish with the highest mercury levels.
• Eat these fish that are low in mercury: wild salmon, shrimp, canned light tuna, pollock, and catfish. Avoid canned albacore as this tuna will have more mercury than the canned light tuna. Tuna steaks usually have higher levels of mercury too. For a more complete list of fish and their likely mercury levels, check out this FDA list.
• Unless you’re aware of local advisories regarding mercury levels in the fish in your area, it’s probably best to avoid the fish you catch in local lakes, rivers, and coastal areas.

Wild salmon is always as a good choice because it’s loaded with omega-3s, is relatively toxin-free, and you can grab them out of the pristine waters of Alaska and rip the skin off with your teeth. Or you could just let the fishing industry bring it to your neighborhood restaurant. Farmed salmon is actually more common and cheaper, but although farmed salmon usually doesn’t contain much mercury, they might contain PCBs (another industrial toxin), antibiotics, or other drugs farmers use to treat diseases in the farming pens.
Children and pregnant women should be vigilant about not eating mercury contaminated fish, as mercury can wreak havoc on developing brains. So if you’re five years old and reading this, put down that juicy swordfish! Chronic exposure can damage the brain and kidneys at any age, so everyone should be aware of how much mercury they might be eating. Personality changes, tremors, vision problems, poor muscle coordination, and memory loss are some of the possible effects of chronic mercury exposure. Why go through the trouble of getting all that mercury from swordfish and shark when you can drink a bottle of vodka and get the same effect right away?

Like eating chocolate? Like getting high? If your answer is yes to either, I have good news for you. If your answer is yes to both, I have really good news for you.

Studies show that chocolate contains cannabainoids, chemicals similar to the active ingredients in marijuana. And eating chocolate can have many significant health benefits. So now when you get high and eat that entire package of Double Stuff Oreos, you’ll be healthier and higher, right? Pretty much.

Chocolate contains very small quantities of anadamide, a cannabinoid. Although you’d have to eat a crapload to get high off just chocolate, if you’re already high, then those extra cannabinoids couldn’t hurt right? And if you’re high, how hard is it to eat a crapload of chocolate anyway?

Chocolate also increases the levels of several chemicals in your brain. These chemicals include phenylethylamine, which produces a mild confidence-boosting effect, counteracting the infamous marijuana paranoia; tryptophan, a chemical converted to serotonin which lifts the mood and increases euphoria; theobromine and caffeine, stimulants that lights a little fire under your ass, and theobromine has also been shown to suppress a cough. There’s the cure for your amotivational syndrome and bronchitis in one! So chocolate can make you a higher, more confident, more motivated, and healthier stoner. This is the best news to come by for weed lovers since the invention of the glass bong.

Even if you’re anti-weed, chocolate is still healthy. Chocolate contains a number of nutrients essential in an everyday diet, such as potassium, magnesium and vitamins B1, B2, D and E.

Chocolate might be good for the heart too. According to researchers at the University of California-Davis, chocolate contains phytochemicals called flavonoids which can help prevent arterial damage among other good things. Chocolate also contains arginine, which acts as a blood thinner and may improve blood flow to the heart, and….the genitals. So apparently chocolate can get you high and give you a raging boner. Now we’re talking.

The saturated fats found in chocolate don’t elevate cholesterol levels like those found in animal fat or partially hydrogenated oils, but hold off when reaching for the Double Stuffs. All benefits listed above are specifically attributed to the bitter seeds of the tropical cocoa tree. Chocolate is often processed with loads of unhealthy sugar and cream, so dark chocolate should be standard if you’re going for any of chocolate’s benefits. More specifically, look for 70% cocoa in your chocolate. Most commercial brands of chocolate in the US contain less than 30% cocoa, which won’t be enough to give you a buzz or a chubby.

We’ve all been on the subway when some random guy lifts up his arm and releases enough body odor to burn everyone’s nostril hairs. It’s really not that hard to prevent BO. If you’re homeless, ok, you have no shower so I can give you a pass on the BO. But for the rest of us with running water and the means to buy soap, how hard is it to wash your armpits everyday?

For many of us on the right side of cleanliness though, we can overdo it. For example, you might slather on antiperspirant after the shower, and then because it’s hot outside, you throw a couple more swipes on at lunch. Throw a little more on before a workout so the poor girl next to you on the treadmill doesn’t get sick. And so on.

Fragrances in antiperspirants and deodorants can be harsh and cause allergic reactions, such as red, itchy, bumpy armpits that are anything but attractive, especially if you’re a woman and don’t have a forest of hair to cover up. Sometimes the fragrances can have more severe side-effects, but only if you plan on breathing deeply in a closet over an uncapped roll-on in an attempt to discover the latest high using household products.

A little more concerning is the aluminum-based compounds found in many antiperspirants that block your pores from releasing sweat. Every time you spread an antiperspirant under your arm, you absorb aluminum throughout the day. Aluminum is a neurotoxin, and amounts of it in your blood can affect your brain, perhaps increasing the risk of Alzheimer’s. If there was a conclusive link between aluminum in antiperspirants and Alzheimer’s, the antiperspirants would be taken off the shelf faster than a cat can lick its ass, but it’s sketchy enough for me to choose deodorants that don’t contain aluminum. Besides, sweating is the body’s way of cooling itself off and getting rid of toxins that are built up on the skin. It’s not the sweating, but the BO we’re worried about. There’s also been some concern about parabens (preservatives used in deodorants and antiperspirants) that have been shown to mimic the activity of estrogen in the body’s cells. Estrogen promotes the growth of breast cancer cells. So some researchers have speculated that the use of these products cause an accumulation of parabens in breast tissue, which could lead to breast cancer.

But no one wants to be that guy who smells like a zoo. Especially if you’re looking to get laid sometime this century. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: wash yourself, including your armpits, everyday with soap and water. Just that step guarantees you won’t be offensive at least beyond a couple of feet. Next, if you’re skin isn’t too sensitive, wipe them a couple times with a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol before putting your shirt on. This will kill any bacteria and help prevent any smells from occurring in the first place. And preventing underarm smell is always better than just covering up by spraying cologne under your arms. If the washing/alcohol trick isn’t quite enough for you, opt for a deodorant that contains all-natural ingredients, such as Tom’s. And if you think you might be getting it on later in the night, go ahead, grab the trusted antiperspirant under the sink…using it once a year can’t be that bad right?

If you drink coffee in the morning, drink soda at lunch, eat dark colored foods, or smoke cigarettes when you’re drunk, you likely have something approaching Austin Power’s smile. Even if you don’t do those things and take care of your teeth, over time you’re likely to see significant yellowing. Whether you’re a man or woman, nothing knocks points off of your attractiveness rating like a mouth full of Neanderthal teeth. Maybe that’s why Americans spend more than $600 million a year on teeth whitening. So what works?

Your dentist can do an in-office whitening called chairside bleaching. After applying a protective layer of gel or a rubber shield to your gums, the dentist will then apply a bleaching agent to your teeth. She might use a special light or lasers to enhance the action of the agent. This takes about half hour to hour each visit, and can take more than one visit, depending on whether your teeth are just off white or Big Bird yellow. The cost can range anywhere from $600 to $2000. As a bonus, maybe you can convince your dentist to break out the nitrous tanks. For the money you’d be spending, it’s worth a shot.

For less money, you can ask your dentist to fit you with a custom mouthguard and prescribe you a gel with 10% carbamide peroxide that you wear overnight for a prescribed period of time. The ADA only puts their ADA Seal of Acceptance on these two dentist procedures. That’s because the bleaching agents in these products are stronger than over-the-counter (OTC) products, so they get your teeth whiter. If you’re teeth are that far off or you’re going for movie star white, the dentist is probably your best offer.

But if you just want to whiten your teeth up a little bit, OTC products are an option. They contain either hydrogen peroxide or carbamide peroxide, and the higher the concentration of the active ingredient, the better the results. As a gauge, 10% carbamide peroxide equals 3% hydrogen peroxide. These products range from mouth trays you fill with gel and wear for a couple hours (Rembrandt 2-Hour White) to gels you apply before bedtime (Colgate Simply White) to strips you attach to your teeth for half hour twice a day (Crest Whitestrips). You’ll have to find the product that works for you. Gels with trays might work the best, but they are a huge pain in the ass, and they may not make much of a difference in the end. In between whitenings, you can use whitening toothpastes that usually contain abrasives that don’t alter the color of your teeth, but can help to remove stains making teeth appear whiter and healthier.

You should only have to whiten your teeth once a year or so. If you really can’t resist that hot sweet smoke when you’re buzzed, maybe you’ll have to do it a little more. But don’t overdo the bleaching because you might end up with an unnatural look. No one wants yellow teeth, but they’re probably better than looking like you’re smiling with a mouthful of chicklets.

We are obsessed with health and fitness, even if most of us aren’t healthy or fit. Of course, companies are quick to sell us the latest fitness fad. Some of these products are just plain dumb, and some of us buy them anyway.

One of the biggest rip-offs I’ve seen is the Vitamin Water craze. I’ve seen people guzzle this stuff at the gym as if it were….water. But vitamin water isn’t water, and it’s definitely not cheap. Vitamin water contains water, sugar, and varying amounts of vitamins and herbs. First, if you add sugar to water, it’s no longer water. It’s now a soft drink. Sugar and water equals more empty calories. Second, vitamin water usually doesn’t deliver all of the vitamins you need, and you’re probably not even getting a day’s worth of the vitamins that are actually in the bottle. Vitamin waters aren’t likely to have oil-soluble vitamins, such as vitamin E, and it’s unknown whether any of the vitamins remain stable during the bottle’s shelf life. Some vitamins, like vitamin C, break down quickly after being exposed to air, so you better chug the entire bottle as soon as you open it. Finally, vitamin water costs about $2.00 at the store, but let’s say you find a place that sells it for $1.50. Compare that to $.05 for one multivitamin and say another $.05 for a large bottle of filtered tap water. You can get a more complete vitamin, without the sugar and additives, for way cheaper. I know it’s tasty and convenient, but so are hot dogs. If you eat hot dogs every day, you’re a fat bastard, and if you drink vitamin water everyday, you’re pissing money away.

And how about Sylvester Stallone’s High Protein Pudding? That’s right, Rocky himself is offering you 20g of protein per serving, with no sugar and hardly any fat. Just like Mom used to make. Yo Adrian, get me some of that delicious high protein pudding! Don’t laugh too much though, Stallone says the pudding will last up to 18 months at room temperature, so if a disaster hits and Stallone has a warehouse of pudding, who’s going to be laughing then?

This wouldn’t be complete without giving an award for the best “I want to be lazy and fit” product. If you went to any doctor and asked what you should do to breathe easier and strengthen your lungs, they’d probably tell you to run, swim, or do some other exercise that’s not as fun as watching the Real World or playing video games. But say if you could watch T.V. and get fit without getting off the couch? Enter the POWERbreath. All you need to do is breathe into the handheld device for 30 breaths, twice a day, and you’ll have Lance Armstrong’s lung capacity in no time.

Maybe you tend to have one (or six) too many when you go out with your co-workers after a hard day’s work. Or maybe you measure how good a weekend it was by how many beer bottles you can redeem at the recycling center. As you know, drinking alcohol can have many negative consequences for your health, not only your social life. While you can’t take a pill to prevent the person you think looks like Jessica Simpson or Brad Pitt from turning into Roseanne Barr or Drew Carrey the morning after, there is one you can take that may protect your liver when drinking.

Milk thistle (Silybum marianum) is an herb that has been used since the time of the ancient Greeks to treat a variety of health conditions, but especially for liver problems. Today, milk thistle is considered central to treating liver disorders in Europe, but like many alternative therapies, milk thistle hasn’t been widely used by the ever-skeptical physicians in the United States. Studies have shown that milk thistle protects the liver from toxic injury (like that weekend in Vegas) and stimulates regeneration of the liver (maybe even during the plane ride home). Milk thistle is also an antioxidant herb which may protect the liver from free radical damage. The herb is also said to increase the secretion and flow of bile from the liver and gall-bladder. While this sounds pretty gross, it’s actually a positive characteristic of the herb, as an increase in bile may improve the breakdown of poisons and fats in your body.

Even if you have a serious condition such as hepatitis, milk thistle may be able to help improve your condition. However, the most conclusive evidence for the benefits of milk thistle has been for the treatment of the mildest forms of alcohol induced liver disease. Of course, you’ll want to talk to your doctor regarding any supplements in the treatment of a serious condition.

Look for milk thistle in health food stores and follow the directions on the label for around the clock liver protection in capsule form. It is always a good idea to use products that have a standardized amount of the herb’s active ingredients so you know you’re getting the protection you want. For milk thistle, this means choosing a product with 70% to 80% silymarin, the herb’s active ingredient. Luckily, side effects when using milk thistle are rare. When side effects do occur, they are usually gastro-intestinal in nature, such as the always-fun diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting. If you’re really lucky, maybe you’ll get all three!

Remember that milk thistle will only be able to do so much to help you protect your hard-working liver from the damaging effects of alcohol. Drinking in moderation is really the only way to protect your health. And by moderation I mean two drinks, not stopping right before you profess your undying love to your best friend’s significant other.

This planet is swimming in germs. They’re all over door knobs, the subway, and the hands we shake. Nasty. And those bastards are the cause of a lot of human misery. So you’d think using an antibacterial soap to kill bacteria is a good idea. But the use of antibacterial soaps, along with misuse of antibiotics, could lead to the next Black Plague. I don’t know about you, but I’m all set with the boils, fever, and whatever else a black plague delivers.

Antibacterial cleaners we use to wash our toilets, and the antibacterial soaps we use to wash our dirty parts all contain an ingredient called triclosan. Ironically, it’s the effectiveness of triclosan that leads to “supergerms” which breed bacteria that are immune to all of our products that are designed to kill them. Triclosan, as product advertisements have drilled into your brain, can kill up to 99% of the bacteria it comes in contact with. But what about that other 1%? Hundreds of thousands of bacteria can live on an area the size of a pinhead, so the amount of remaining bacteria in that 1% can make a strong comeback. And part of this 1% may be genetically immune to the chemical that is designed to kill it. These genetic mutants are left alive to reproduce like rabbits, so evolution kicks in and superbugs are bred to resist the chemicals we once used to combat them. While evolution might take a long time to effect humans (Why the hell do men have nipples anyway?), there are so many billions of germs with tiny life spans, evolution occurs rapidly.

Besides, some bacteria is supposed to live on our skin. Good bacteria keep the bad bacteria in check, protecting us from infection. When you use antibacterial soap, you kill all the good bacteria along with the bad. Since there’s an abundance of bad bacteria all around us, killing our friends can be a mistake. If you try to kill them, those good bacteria might just laugh at you the next time your pooting from food poisoning. In case you were wondering, pooting means pooing and booting at the same time. The old into the garbage while sitting on the toilet trick.

Your best option is to use the old regular bar of soap that worked so well for us in the decades before the triclosan laden soaps. Regular soaps kill enough bad germs but leave enough good bacteria to keep a healthy balance. Antibacterial soaps don’t do any better against viruses anyway, and viruses are what usually get us sick. When it comes to cleaning your house, just choose regular detergents or cleaners that don’t boast “antibacterial” and don’t contain triclosan, bleach, or other harsh, unnatural chemical agents. Check out the line of green cleaners at your local grocery store.